Friday 4th May

Got up, had breakfast, sour grapes. Had a bad night because of a rotten pint earlier in the day. Consequently, spent most of the evening in the Harvey Hadden Stadium linging near the bog. When the result came I was bottom of the poll (115 votes), nowhere near UKIP and the Invisible Green. That lazy middle-class swine didn't even turn up on the platform, neither did the Lib-Dems and two of the Labour candidates. To top it all when I got home at 3 am and finally got to sleep I dreamt I was forced onto the floor in Wollaton Park by Tory leader Georgina Culley (2,670 votes) and abused in a most inappropriate way? I've heard of electoral revenge but she's pushed it a bit too far on this occasion.

Still, thank God it wasn't "Soft Dick" or "Corporal Cowan". I wonder where they were? Hopefully chasing Jon Collins and Dave Trimble round the sadly missed toilets of the old Market Square waving their "choppers". Now that would be worth dreaming about. Happy New Basford- the x-candidate for Wollaton!